[Brig – USS Charon]
Whatever else one might think or say about Ian Lamont; even now his courtesy remained without fail. And although no self-respecting Vulcan would decline a sincere request for aid from an individual in such deep distress, it was the equally sincere echo in his words and the way that he clung to remaining polite at all cost that prompted the young woman to incline her head in a slow, ceremonious way.
Knowingly or not, he had touched upon something no Vulcan would care to admit except perhaps to one's closest friends – that an Other's innermost soul offered so carefully, almost tentatively, but still without reservation, would compel one to abandon reason and many other things.
It was c'thia.
"We come to serve, Ian Lamont. Please state your request."
"How do I move forward lieutenant? How..how can I just forget the past? It is true what is done is done, but our actions define us. My actions aided and abetted something horrific. Doesn't that make me as culpable as those who actually performed such atrocities even if I wasn't aware of what NeoDyne was doing? I fear I've become that which I have worked against in my life. It terrifies me to know that in my blindness to obtain influence I became a cog in the NeoDyne machine that produced the horrors back on Ch'Dhabae and perhaps many places elsewhere. I can see no path forward lieutenant."
Ian grabbed his cup of tea and uncharacteristically swallowed a large portion of it without his usual care for manners or decorum. The warm, spiced liquid felt good within him as it penetrated the icy, cold pit that had formed in his stomach.
He sighed turning to look at Lt. Tyrax. "I can sit here and wallow in a sea of doubt, pity, and wretched emotion or I can attempt to take a step out of this self made prison which will no doubt be difficult. If I may call upon your logic once more, how do I find the exit? I am not sure I know how to escape on my own and that too is a terrifying prospect. However, I am already twice in your debt lieutenant. I fear I have already incurred more than I can ever repay even when such repayment is not asked for nor desired. If you find my request unpalatable then I can understand. What a fool I have been…"
"It would be helpful if you could be more precise about what you wish, ambassador." Sakarra stated dryly, but there was a good natured timbre in her gently chiding voice.
She took a slow, appreciative sip of the hot beverage and pondered his words for several long moments, head slightly tilted to one side as always when she was deep in thought.
"How to move forward, forget, find the exit, when the prison is of your own making? One should think that if it was you who built the walls there is none better than you to tear them down, no?"
But the dark eyed woman knew all too well that often one failed to see the obvious because there were not only walls, but veils obstructing one's view, and those were more difficult to tear down than any fortress.
"You are correct in that you insist on 'wallowing in a sea of self-pity', and it is there you will drown unless you decide otherwise. How do you move forward? You choose to do so. So simply said, and so simply done once you can see clearly. So difficult if you cannot.
How do you forget? There are ways, even if humans were not already rather adept on achieving it themselves, however I would strongly counsel against either. To remember is a burden every Vulcan knows intimately, but how can we know who and what we are if we choose to disregard what made us become the ones we are?
You said I 'dispatched' the Gai'Shian with little adversity. And yes, I remember your words on the bridge well, as clearly as if you had spoken them just now, and with the same clarity I see the dead at my feet and the scent of their blood is as sharp and fresh in my mind now as it was then. Will you have me forget them? Or forget what it means to feel a life extinguished before you and know it was your doing? How soon do you believe it will be until I forget that their lives were no less important, no less worthy to be preserved than mine? And how long do you believe it will be until I no longer see others as living, breathing, feeling creatures, but things to be used and discarded at my leisure?"
Her face was as stoic and unmoved as the desert under Nevasa's blinding light, and if there was anything but calm in her melodious voice it would have taken even another Vulcan listening closely to notice. "You wish my counsel, Ian Lamont? Remember, and remember well. A burden carried with fear and hatred will crush you long before you can discard it, but one accepted with grace will steady your steps on even the most treacherous path. You seek an exit, to move forward? Face what you have done, and all the consequences, and accept it. You feel your own life diminished to the point where it is no longer worthy of being preserved? I submit that your life has as much meaning as all those lost because of NeoDyne's actions; and by allowing it to go to waste you will only continue to speed entropy and add one last, irreversible burden for others to carry."
Truth be told, Sakarra had not been certain what to expect when she went to see the yet again incarcerated ambassador, but it was safe to say this was yet another incident that proved the universe's inherent sense of humor. She had come seeking simple answers, and ended up attempting to provide most profound ones. Not to mention this was taking somewhat longer than anticipated.
She set down the glass after taking another sip of the tea and raised her hands into the abundance of black curls, still coiled into tight braids, and getting rather heavy indeed.
"Would you mind?"
Lamont listened to the Vulcan's words and was carefully digesting them and their meaning. He was hardly conscious of her movements and was suddenly struck by her offer to assist. His mind awash with a thousand thoughts he simply nodded and moved to help the Vulcan release the braids which bound her hair. Once released her curls dropped to her shoulders as Lamont withdrew his hands from her soft hair.
"You must forgive me lieutenant, but your appearance this way suits you well. It is most..agreeable", Lamont said attempting to be as 'diplomatic' as possible. Agreeable was such a tame word compared to others that were forcing their way into his already chaotic mind.
Sakarra acknowledged the compliment with a gracious nod and exhaled in the equivalent of a relieved sigh. Usually she would have preferred not to ask for help, but weighing still sore muscles and the possibility of incurring discomfort over a brief and polite request, the latter was imminently more logical.
Picking up her tea again, she waited for a few more moments, giving the ambassador a chance to think over what he had heard.
"If after all that has been said it still has meaning to you, Mr Lamont – I personally do not have the impression you are as appalling an individual as you deem yourself to be. Brash, perhaps, and blinded by a type of arrogance common in some humans. But even though I am no empath, I cannot sense any ill will except maybe towards those whom you deem responsible for our family's demise and the people of NeoDyne who have used your blindness for their purpose. And the latter at least is understandable even to a Vulcan."
"One of the qualities I admire about Vulcans is their straightforwardness and honesty. For us humans, one would never speak directly as you have out of fear of cultivating ill will or creating offense. Your logic and empathy are greatly appreciated. You have given me much to reflect on with my own objectivity clouded by recent events. I must thank you for simply listening, but also for having the courage to say what needed to be said. I am sure you have heard more than you bargained for by coming here. You..you are the only person I've ever spoken to about my past and my family. I have always kept such matters private perhaps to my detriment. You have my sincere thanks not only for listening, but for rescuing me on top of the turbolift recently. The Vulcan way requires no such thanks for such actions, but I feel obligated to offer them nonetheless."
"Mr Lamont, it is usually the exuberant displays of gratitude that are … uncomfortable to a Vulcan. The sensation of gratitude however is a cherished one, and to be offered courteous thanks, while not required, is certainly appreciated. Among ourselves, Vulcans will generally express such things with few words or none at all; therefore I can understand you might believe it is not customary. Please observe."
To demonstrate, Sakarra lowered her eyelids slowly, inclining her head gracefully at the same time. The hand not holding the tea glass could be seen making a small but elegant gesture and within a second, she was back in her relaxed, upright posture, night black eyes resting on the human next to her.
"Nar-tor i'tay t'du." (Your thanks are accepted)
Lamont leaned against his bunk which extended from the wall. His anxiety had subsided somewhat. He wasn't sure if Sakarra's words were sinking in somewhere within his mind or if her presence was providing a calming effect. Perhaps both could explain the phenomenon. No matter the cause he wasn't going to complain. Relief of any sort was welcomed.
"Tell me lieutenant, as one curious about the Vulcan ways, do Vulcan's ever find their logic tested? When logic cannot provide a clear answer or path how does a Vulcan resolve such situations? Us humans tend to use a mix of emotion, what some call gut feelings or instinct, in addition to facts to drive our decisions. It certainly is not a perfect system, but it has both advantages and disadvantages which serve us reasonably well most of the time."
[To be continued…]
Ambassador Ian Lamont
Diplomatic Advisor
Lt Cmdr Sakarra Tyrax
Chief Helm Officer
USS Charon
