"Kaiidth, Mr Lamont. If you must mourn the past, and choices made, it is certainly natural. However, I do not understand why you seem to insist on seeing only the 'Dark Clouds' as you put it."
At last, she was reasonably satisfied with the state of her robe and folded the towel neatly before placing it on the floor next to her.
"You have learned truth. Not only simple facts, but something more valuable. Truth found within one self is something that cannot be measured on any scale. It is c'thia."
Sakarra's dark eyes returned to the fair haired human, and she neatly closed the high collar of her robe.
"From a Vulcan's point of view, it was before that you could not see. Blinded by all the emotions you described, and some you have not mentioned, you followed a path that led you here, laying the seeds for entropy to flourish until it found you at last. You could have chosen to remain blind, let arrogance and selfishness prevail. You did not. The question that remains is, do you regret the outcome of your actions, or that which drove you to take them?"
She picked up the tea and wrapped her slender fingers around the glass.
"How I envy you lieutenant", Lamont said after a time. "The ability to turn off emotion and retain clarity of thought in the midst of adversity – I cannot think of a more powerful and useful ability. I..I barely maintained the grip on my phaser during the firefight on the bridge against the Romulans; however you charged straight into their fire with injuries no less. I still have not come to terms with one Romulan I dispatched yet you dispatched many more with little or no adversity."
Ian stood and moved to the back of the cell placing his hands on the cool metal of the rear wall. Leaning against the rear cell wall he let his head slump between his shoulders as the weight of his body rested upon his hands and arms. "I have much to regret lieutenant. My life has been filled with it. As I child I could only watch as my father was destroyed by political rivals. Other children had fathers, yet mine was never home, or when he was he was always so self absorbed, so sad and distant. I watched as our family heritage was eviscerated on the public stage, our legacy ruined, and our belongings sold to pay debts amassed defending our name. My father went from being a lion to a frail, wistful old man a mere shadow of himself. As a result I alone, as the final heir in the Lamont line, was left to restore our family name. I swore to him I would do so.
I..I didn't want the responsibility, but how could I refuse a dying father's wish?
And now…my actions have done nothing, nothing at all to move me closer to fulfilling my promise. In fact by so blindly attempting to fulfill his wishes I have shamed him and my family's name by my actions however indirectly."
Lamont's hands lost traction on the wall. Ian crumpled against the wall and slid against its surface until he lie sitting on the floor. His head remained propped up by the surface of the wall.
"I have accomplished nothing. I have aided criminals and abetted their activities. I have dishonored my name and generations of Lamont's by my actions and worst I have failed in satisfying my promise to my father. To answer your question lieutenant, I regret both the outcome of my actions as well as the circumstances that led me to them. I inherited a weight I did not want nor asked for. The truth, veritas, has gone further and exposed my transgressions. In the end I am no better than those who ruined my family's name. How do I face my peers from now on? I'm not sure I can even face myself for what I have done. I've gone against everything I thought I stood for…everything my family stood for…."
His voice trailed off choked off by a wave of remorse and guilt. He couldn't think logically at the moment. His mind was too muddled with the poignant sting of harsh emotions. Perhaps he could wade through the tides within him but it wouldn't be quick. Coping would take time - that is if he could ever forgive himself for what he had done.
"Turn off emotions? Not at all, ambassador. That is not only unlikely to succeed, but would be unwise."
Envy. It seemed yet more proof of the universe's very own sense of humor, that she should encounter this emotion in abundance these days.
When things were going well, a Vulcan was likely to be regarded as a dull presence in the background, possibly be brought forth here and there if a quick mind accustomed to razor-sharp analysis was required, and then gladly dismissed again. If there was any emotion to be encountered, it was more often than not a sense of pity. Pity for the one who had such a boring existence, devoid of emotion and all the things other people considered worthwhile.
What wonder that they would keep their distance from such unexciting creatures, silently floating among them, with faces like marble and about as warm.
It would be laughable indeed, were it not so sad. Although in fairness, every now and then there would be one bothering to look just a little closer.
But how fast did that pity turn to envy when matters became … troubling.
While Lamont was not the first to openly admit to this feeling in Sakarra's presence as of late, she had seen it in the eyes of many more. Among a crew dealing with injuries small and large, physical and spiritual, the few Vulcans on board remained what they always were, quiet and serene. Going about their tasks with the same efficiency, presenting the same cool, unyielding faces, only this time not quite as unnoticed as usual.
And rather suddenly, the same people who had abhorred the very idea of devoting one's life to mastering passion rather than indulge it's every whim, seemed to wish for an ability to turn off feelings they did not want, apparently thinking this was precisely what Vulcans were doing.
Ironic, to say the least.
"I can comprehend the burden you obviously felt it was your duty to carry." She said at last, not moving in her comfortable position save for taking a brief sip of the hot, fragrant tea.
"What I do not understand is why you continued to carry it when you already knew it was bringing nothing but entropy to your life. As a human, you were free to choose, and still are. Does a promise made to your father outweigh the promise of a life lived well? You said your family has lost everything, and you are the last one left to restore what was lost. For whom, then, if you yourself do not desire any of it? Circumstance has given you a chance few people ever experience – with nothing left to lose, you are free to do as you will. Go where you will."
The young Vulcan studied the man slumped against the wall, an image of pain and defeated by none other than himself. Her sensibilities were offended by his actions, however blind he had been to them. But she would be guilty of the same blindness not to see how tormented he was over it, and that alone told her there was hope after all.
"Those peers you speak of and whom you do not know how to face – who are they, that their opinion of you would matter so?"
Lamont looked up at the Vulcan's question. "Those I serve with aboard this ship", he replied. "At the pace scuttlebutt travels aboard this ship I am sure many of them may believe me to be insane. Who knows? Perhaps they are correct. However, there are others." Lamont swallowed. The Vulcan was being direct with him. Why then couldn't he be with her? He already felt as low as one could crawl. Anything he said further could cause no further harm. What did it matter anyway? His future seemed bleak.
"You lieutenant. You are one specifically I fear I cannot face. I.. I know we are not well acquainted and I am unsure if we can call one another friends, however, I have developed a reliance upon your logic, clarity, and objectivity. In addition I have enjoyed our conversations and your indulgence in allowing me to practice my less than perfect Vulcan.
If I have offended my own sensibilities, I can only imagine how I must be viewed in the eyes of the crew and in the eyes of someone like yourself who has saved my life not once, but now twice. It appears that I've developed a strong sense of admiration for you lieutenant and I won't deny that in that there is perhaps something more even if it is completely childish, illogical, and unprofessional. The thought that I have tarnished or ruined acquaintances or friendships aboard this ship by my deeds and actions is perhaps the bitterest of pills to swallow. I am well aware I am not the most likeable person aboard this ship. However since boarding this ship I've come to learn that genuine friendship is an honor that has to be earned and is to be treasured. Trading fake smiles and patronizing the powerful in exchange for favors and clout seems like such a hollow pursuit now. If it hadn't been for the Charon I.. I'm not sure I would have recognized such things. But now I've ruined all of that.
How can I walk out of here when people know what I have done? How can I look anyone here in the eyes when they know that my actions may have contributed to the damage and death brought about on this ship. The stupidity of my youth has come full circle and has robbed me of everything just as I realized what I had. No doubt I have offended you with my babbling and past. However,…"
Lamont stood and closed the gap between them slowly falling down to his knees in a position similar to Sakarra's beside him. "You are still here listening to me confess in a pathetic display the likes of which I have never spoken of to anyone. Since you remain I can only assume my offenses and wretched condition are not enough cause to cause you to leave. If that is indeed fact then may I make another request of your logic as mine has left me?"
Admiration? And something illogical? From what Sakarra could tell, the desire for friendship was perfectly logical for humans, but then again in his current state the ambassador might truly believe she'd be offended by such a notion. How very strange, but she would have to ponder it another time.
[To be continued…]
Ambassador Ian Lamont
Diplomatic Advisor
Lt Cmdr Sakarra Tyrax
Chief Helm Officer
USS Charon
